Postpartum life

[gng930]

I rarely post in the OT forum...many of you know I engage regularly in the main forum. Some of you may have noticed/relished that I have been absent of late over there. I'm happy to say that as of Nov 7th, I became a new father to a lovely daughter. I'm sure it will be the most rewarding but also the most difficult role I ever take.

But I'm writing here to maybe get some help and additional perspectives. I appreciate the relative anonymity and not having to navigate the cesspool that is the Reddit AITA (Am I the (bleep)) threads. I understand that postpartum drama is a real thing. My wife does not have diagnosed depression or mental illness but I've always anticipated some postpartum difficulty with her tendency to wallow and carry grudges. We're only five years apart but I'm a GenXer and she's a millennial and I feel it does reflect in our respective mentalities and emotional tendencies.

We've clashed quite a bit and she's frequently brought up the possibility of separation over the past several weeks. There's a lot to unpack regarding all that but I wanted to focus on our respective contributions. Recovery is obviously not prompt in women and it often falls on the husband to step up.

I was lucky enough to have 6 weeks of leave following her birth. My wife gets a bit more than 2 months. It's shorter than many mothers but that's mostly due to the nature of her work, boss, and career-oriented personality. Personally, I'm fine with her taking indefinite leave as the cost of childcare far exceeds her net salary and I don't ask for any of it save for the portion needed to cover her income taxes. After delivery, I took over all duties short of breast-feeding for at least a week. She did not change a single diaper in that time. As she physically recovered, she was able to take on more but while I was on leave I still did most of the feedings, essentially all of the housework, baby-work otherwise and cleanup. I can probably count on one hand the number of times she has done something as basic as loading/unloading the dishwasher in almost 2 months. I also will occasionally do some light cooking for her but we've essentially been able to rely on leftovers from the one-month gathering and foods that her aunt pre-prepared for her. I essentially took all night feedings, basically allowing her to sleep uninterrupted 7-8 hours a night, save for occasional brief awakenings due to the baby. For the most part, I'm able to get the baby out of the room before she wakes up my wife.

We've had some of her family stay over to help but that has amounted to less than half of the time. She insists that she doesn't want to inconvenience them too much. And let's just say it would not be a good idea for my mother to stay to help. Last week I returned to my highly demanding job as an ICU physician. I somehow managed to take most of the night feeding shifts and even secured 8-9 hours of daytime childcare for 5 of the 7 days I was working. Childcare is not cheap in the Bay Area. Of course they managed our daughter their entire time while my wife continued to recover and maybe do a bit of homework before she officially starts work. Despite that I was still coming home to scattered dirty dishes, unwashed baby bottles/breast pump parts, and diapers that need to be disposed of properly. Today is my first day off and I'm back to taking most of the feedings in addition to the aforementioned duties. I'll be resuming my less demanding role in the office for this month and have agreed to continue all night feeds. We will have full time child-care starting this week and my wife will be returning to work next week.

Obviously that's still quite a bit to unpack but I wanted to get some additional perspectives from others, especially those with child-care experience. I feel I have done more than most husbands have but she doesn't make me feel that way. She fixates on the mistakes I make like having to remind me to dispose of the diapers or the times that the baby does wake her up in the middle of the night because I can't get there quick enough. I've reiterated multiple times that I appreciate everything she has and will have gone through. When I ask if she appreciates everything I do, she only goes as far as to say that I do a lot to help but that I also often upset her. In a way, it feels like she doesn't want to acknowledge my contributions.

When she returns to work, she is now asking that I drive her to and from the transit station 10 minutes from our home. It would be outside the hours we have the nanny so that means disrupting our child's sleep/wake/play/feeding cycle regardless of where it may be. As many of you probably know, 2 months is generally too soon to try to get a baby on a fixed schedule. So that's easily an extra hour to account for when I'm already sleep-deprived without even considering the stress and toll of disrupting the baby's cycle twice daily. To add to the issue, my wife won't be coming home at consistent times...how do you even try to plan for something like that? I feel it will be incredibly stressful to rush to get the baby fed, changed, burped, and dressed to get her into a car seat just to race to the transit station only 10-15 minutes away. Adding to that, to get up additionally early in the morning and hustle again after a full work day...again without considering when the baby was last fed or where in her sleep/wake/play cycle she might be. The understanding was always that my wife would drive herself to the transit station but she remains hesitant. From what I've read, women in her situation are generally able to drive less than a month after delivery but she just doesn't feel physically ready in short. I didn't want to aggravate her too much so we agreed she would just use ride-sharing both ways daily (again, not cheap) unless it happens to be within the hours our nanny is present. Otherwise, my wife is likely to continue to get a 7-8 hour window of uninterrupted sleep, handle one feeding a day versus myself and the nanny handling 3-4 each.

That said, it feels like my baby has taken it easy on us. She generally sleeps for 2-3 hour stretches even since birth and goes 3-4 hours between feeding. We have managed to avoid co-sleep and I even have her sleeping in the crib in her own room regularly, with monitors of course. So it could be much worse from what I hear.

I know I have to just bite my tongue. And I know I haven't been perfect in that regard; I have plenty to work on. I know the fault/onus still lies mostly on me to keep the peace and frankly keep us together. She got very upset when I suggested the possibility of therapy/counseling; she is not comfortable relating all of this with strangers, which is not an unreasonable sentiment. I guess I'm just looking for validation that I'm at least stepping up in terms of husband/father duties. Is it typical for new moms to get the sleep opportunity that she does, even after the dad returns to work? Should I be annoyed that she's unwilling to clean baby bottles or dispose of diapers into the correct bin, especially when I'm working and she has a nanny for most of those days? Should I acquiesce to her request to drive her for work despite the significant stress and disruption it will incur?

Thanks for making it this far. And please don't be afraid to be brutally honest...tell me I'm an (bleep) or being difficult/unfair if that's what you feel. I feel opinions like we never should have gotten married or had a child would be less constructive though. My priorities have obviously shifted and there's no point in trying to change the past so I ask that we focus what more/different I can do moving forward. Thank you advance.

And BTW happy new year to you all! Maybe when the dust settles I can get back to pissing off fellow posters on the main forum. At this point I'm not even checking the box scores on a regular basis.
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[governator]

Congrats!!! Nothing better than being a father

Honestly, I don’t have a great answer for you. I ran into similar resentments from my wife, the whole pregnancy/infant care, nothing I did make her happy. It really put a wrench on our marriage. The only thing that somewhat cheer her up sadly is her time off from me and kid. I massage my work schedule so certain weekends, she gets her girls night out, even girls weekend trips. It’s def not ideal but over time it gets better, especially once our kid could talk. One thing that maybe could’ve helped is having my wife see a psychiatrist for post partum depression but like yours, she didn’t have the full symptoms, looking back, we should’ve tried

Good luck
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[kikanga]

Hey Gng. All I can tell you is a bunch of cliches. That are true.

There's no 1 size fits all in terms of recovery time after giving birth. It's different person to person. Whether it is depression or driving.

Just make sure to prioritize your own self care. You can't take care of your wife and child unless you take care of yourself. And that includes venting. Like you are doing now.

There is no perfect way to do things. Your worries, frustrations, and day to day struggles aren't unique. Alot of people who aren't as strong, as supported, as caring as you have gone through the same thing. And they got through it. And so will you and your family!

You got this! Things will get easier! And congratulations!
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[gng930]

Thanks for the support. I have no doubt there are elements of postpartum depression but she has made it clear that seeing a therapist or psychiatrist is a non-starter. I can't push her through that door right?

I am willing to wait this out as it seems you two have. My concern is that she isn't. It got so bad that she wanted an immediate trial separation at one point (probably still does) and through extensive pleading and negotiating, I was able to get her to wait at least 9 months instead, knowing that trial separations have an extremely low success rate (less than 20%).

I've considered trying something like CBD to help take the edge off and mellow myself out which I admit I could benefit from. This is coming from someone who's never even tried marijuana. Any thoughts from anyone?
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[strong9]

[kikanga]

[jodeke]

Find a gym and hit the heavy bag. The repetitive motion of punching the heavy bag can be very therapeutic, as it allows you to release pent-up energy and emotions. As you punch, you can imagine all the stress and frustration you're feeling being absorbed by the bag. This can help you feel more relaxed and in control of your body and mind.
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[governator]

[Heartburn]

1. Remember that this is all temporary. This too shall pass.
2. Be loving and useful in all you're facing right now. Your attitude is important.
3. Your primary purpose right now is to be of service to your wife and child. It's not always going to be fun, but approaching things with gratitude counts for a lot.
4. Don't make a permanent decision (separation/divorce) because you're facing a short-term problem. See #1.
5. Like governator, I also had a bit of father-post-partum, but I didn't get any kind of help for it because I'm not a wimp. lol. Even if you don't go seek professional help, get some exercise, golf, or do whatever takes you out of your head.
6. My wife had PPD pretty bad and even after 15 years, it still kind of lingers as a dark period in our marriage. Do what you can to avoid that kind of resentment. It happens on both sides. Let things go and let them go again if it didn't work the first time.
7. In terms of the sleep aspect, I also had a very demanding job during that time frame and I would have loved some sleep. However, I decided that I would take as many of the overnight shifts as I could manage because that was the best opportunity for me to spend time with my daughter without anyone around. I would talk to her and play with her and when she got a little tired, I'd put on Law & Order, and she'd knock out. Those are some of the best memories. Remember, attitude counts for a lot. "You get to" do those things. Don't think about "having to do those things."
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[Halflife]

The love you feel for your child can not be put into words. Let that guide you. It is ok to have a dysfunctional house at times. trying to avoid that will only make things worse for the 3 of you.
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[DancingBarry]

My comments:

First off, congrats! Enjoy those night feedings. It goes by so fast. My second child, I was really able to be in the moment and present. I can still feel that fuzzy head in the crook of my arm, still see those little eyes and it really does not last that long. Weeks turn into a few months and before you know it they are sleeping through the night if you are lucky.

Second point is the "if you are lucky" part...I assume the baby is healthy and assume at some point they will sleep through the night. Focus on the gratitude you can have for that. Gratitude is one of the things that helps get over resentment.

Third, speaking of resentment. There is some neuroscience behind resentment. It's actually an empathy killer and physically changes things in your brain. And both of you need to focus on empathy and connectedness. But resentment is going to fight that. So if you can make some type of gratitude practice a thing for you that will help the resentment issues. Resentment is caused by things like unfairness, burnout, broken promises, unwelcome additional work, lack of boundaries (where you feel taken advantage of).

Connectedness needs to be a goal between both of you as much as possible. When connectedness is a goal in life and the conversations you have, you tend to have a more skillful approach to communicating. Resentment leads to disconnects and, as mentioned, lack of empathy and it makes it hard to communicate. You want to feel like you are heard and seen. Often, the only way to get there is make sure the other person is feeling heard and seen first.

I don't know what you did or do that often upsets her, and what you might have done during pregnancy that could also be something she still has resentment for, but if both of you could try to focus on connectedness as a goal that needs to happen. Otherwise, resentment going to disconnect you.

By the way, being a working mom can be incredibly complex. You may have already felt pressures at work when you were pregnant. You don't want to get passed over for promotion. When you come home, you don't want to feel like you have a majority of the parenting duties, and then you have friends that may no longer be friends as you now have a different life...or you have stay at home mom's who don't understand that you are doing x, y, and z. Your personal life can change a lot. (And I know some of the above applies to you, as well, but just trying to help you see some things through her eyes).


From Mrs. DB:

Keep in mind, that your wife just went through physical hell and her body will never be the same. Having a baby is a huge shock, both physically and mentally. Even if the baby sleeps well, taking care of a newborn after giving birth is exhausting. Many women do not have the stamina or energy they had before giving birth. Likely, she also has some level of post-partum depression, which can make it nearly impossible to handle even the most mundane of chores.

On top of this is being a new parent. If some part of the experience is not going well (for example, breastfeeding), you tend to feel terrible about yourself for that, too.

You say she has a tendency to wallow and carry grudges. Maybe she wallows because she was suffering from undiagnosed depression or anxiety prior to this.

If she won't seek help for post-partum depression, can you get her to get outside and take some walks? This is the time of year for Seasonal Affective Disorder, too, with a lack of sunlight. Maybe she could have a spa day to get her hair done and a manicure, etc. Sometimes we just feel ugly and tired and awful and a little rejuvenation can help.

[gng930]

[gng930]

[gng930]

[gng930]

I appreciate all the support and advice. Many have warned me of the potential for resentment and it's certainly true. I guess it stems from feeling underappreciated and probably insecurities over inadequacy that I've always struggled with. It's clearly something I need to work on and as has also been stated, I need to be perpetually mindful of the toll it has taken on her and will continue to take on her. For the moment, I hope that I'm contributing duties as a husband/father not just adequately but above and beyond. But I understand that is just part of a successful marriage. From there, I hope that time starts to heal wounds and wisen me to point where we can connect better.

And I certainly appreciate the reminders that I can't minimize or forget the pure joy of fatherhood. Gratitude is certainly my word for the day!

THANK YOU ALL AGAIN.
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[gng930]

[strong9]

[Dr. Laker]

May I ask your wife's age, did you need any fertility assistance and how long have you been married? A couple of women in my extended family had babies in their late 30s & early 40s, respectively, the older via IVF and the younger was on fertility drugs. Both went into menopause after childbirth and have been figuratively kicking their husbands' asses every since. Also of note: both marriages were kind of rocky prior to the pregnancies.
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[gng930]

[gng930]

[Heartburn]